Gay Men and Self-Esteem

For most of us, growing up gay in a homophobic culture presents major challenges to developing strong self-esteem. Along with whatever positive messages we received from significant others about our accomplishments, our abilities, and their love for us, we received many blatant or subtle negative messages about our sexuality and how well we did or did not conform to gender expectations. These messages may have come from those who otherwise loved and supported us, in addition to coming from popular culture, religious institutions, peers and educators. As adults, we must make an effort to rid ourselves of the vestiges of these negative messages and restore a sense of positive self-regard. Many of us are grappling with shame stemming from messages that gay love is sick, disgusting or sinful. It may be difficult for us to feel fully at ease with others knowing our sexuality or with expressing same-sex affection, even in private.

Overcoming low self-esteem in psychotherapy is a complex process that starts with the exploration of early life experiences which have led to feelings of low self-worth, shame and self-blame. In therapy we examine how negative beliefs became embedded in your sense of self. By confronting these erroneous beliefs and paying attention to evidence of your strengths, abilities and accomplishments, you can begin to feel better about yourself. Bringing these new feelings to your interactions with others leads to experiences that build positive self-esteem. Contact me if you would like my help in overcoming low self-esteem.

Some of the negative feelings you are grappling with may be directly related to gay identity. One step you can take right now to address low self-esteem and shame over being gay is to seek out books and movies that present gay sexuality as a normal part of the spectrum of sexual self-expression. Authors I recommend include: Christopher Bram, Mark Doty, David Feinberg, James Earl Hardy, William J. Mann, Stephen McCauley, Armistead Maupin and Paul Monette. Some of the movies I have found most uplifting as a gay man are Parting Glances, My Beautiful Launderette, Big Eden, and The Wedding Banquet. Both "Camp" and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" offer a boost for gay men who have been teased or taunted for their femininity. "Torch Song Trilogy" is a gay classic. Among the TV series available on DVD, both "Queer as Folk" and "Noah's Arc" present gay lives from an affirming viewpoint. If there are any books or films that you'd like to recommend, send me an email: irwin@gay-therapy-ct.com and I'll mention them here. One book recommendation I received is "Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. It was described to me as a "fascinating book that discusses the struggles of being a gay man in a straight man's world." Best Video, in Hamden, has a large selection of gay feature films and documentaries for rent.

Here's a specific exercise for addressing low self-esteem: Divide a sheet of paper in half vertically. On the left-hand side, write a list of some of the negative things you believe about yourself. On the right-hand side write some positive responses about yourself to boost your confidence. These positive responses may be evidence that disputes the negative beliefs, or just positive attributes that outweigh your negatives. Add any other positives on the right-hand side. Use the items on the right as daily affirmations and/or as a response when you begin to think negatively about yourself. Also, take a good look at the list on the left to see if there are negative qualities that you can improve -- then make a plan for self-improvement and stick to it!

Irwin Krieger, LCSW