Gay Men and Self-Esteem

For most of us, growing up gay in a homophobic culture presents major challenges to developing strong self-esteem. Along with whatever positive messages we received from significant others about our accomplishments, our abilities, and their love for us, we received many blatant or subtle negative messages about our sexuality and how well we did or did not conform to gender expectations. These messages may have come from those who otherwise loved and supported us, in addition to coming from popular culture, religious institutions, peers and educators. As adults, we must make an effort to rid ourselves of the vestiges of these negative messages and restore a sense of positive self-regard. Many of us are grappling with shame stemming from messages that gay love is sick, disgusting or sinful. It may be difficult for us to feel fully at ease with others knowing our sexuality or with expressing same-sex affection, even in private.

Overcoming low self-esteem in psychotherapy is a complex process that starts with the exploration of early life experiences which have led to feelings of low self-worth, shame and self-blame. In therapy we examine how negative beliefs became embedded in your sense of self. By confronting these erroneous beliefs and paying attention to evidence of your strengths, abilities and accomplishments, you can begin to feel better about yourself. Bringing these new feelings to your interactions with others leads to experiences that build positive self-esteem. Contact me if you would like my help in overcoming low self-esteem.

Some of the negative feelings you are grappling with may be directly related to gay identity. One step you can take right now to address low self-esteem and shame over being gay is to seek out books and movies that present gay sexuality as a normal part of the spectrum of sexual self-expression. Authors I recommend include: Christopher Bram, Mark Doty, David Feinberg, James Earl Hardy, William J. Mann, Stephen McCauley, Armistead Maupin and Paul Monette. Some of the movies I have found most uplifting as a gay man are Parting Glances, My Beautiful Launderette, Big Eden, and The Wedding Banquet. Both "Camp" and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" offer a boost for gay men who have been teased or taunted for their femininity. "Torch Song Trilogy" is a gay classic. Among the TV series available on DVD, both "Queer as Folk" and "Noah's Arc" present gay lives from an affirming viewpoint. If there are any books or films that you'd like to recommend, send me an email: irwin@gay-therapy-ct.com and I'll mention them here. Best Video, in Hamden, has a large selection of gay feature films and documentaries for rent.

Irwin Krieger, LCSW