EMPATHIC LISTENINGMany lesbian and gay couples, after having been together a number of months or years, begin having recurrent problems in their communication. It may be difficult to pinpoint what the problem is, but both partners know something is going awry when they try to address matters laden with emotion for one or both. For couples who feel unsupported by family, acquaintances or society at large, such moments can confirm underlying fears that gay or lesbian couples cannot thrive and grow. On the contrary, these difficulties are a normal stage of developing intimacy in a couple. If they are not addressed, however, the couple’s closeness may deteriorate into simmering resentment. Often, it is only after years of suffering underlying hurt and anger that couples seek counseling. Empathic listening is a simple skill (although it takes a lot of practice) that will help you improve your communication at any point in your relationship. It requires each partner to take time to reflect back what the other has said, and make sure you’ve understood correctly before making your response. When you truly understand your partner’s concerns your response will be more constructive. Too often, we’re busy preparing our response to someone before we’ve fully heard and understood what they are saying. As Fran Lebowitz put it, “The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” When we don’t truly listen and the issue at hand stirs up negative feelings from our past, we end up responding defensively. The negative feelings may be connected to events that occurred prior to this relationship, but we will feel them as if they are arising from the present situation. When we take time to understand and reflect on what our partner is saying we are more likely to respond to what is actually going on between us. If we are in addition aware of feelings of hurt, loss or anger stirred up by the conversation, the process of empathic listening slows the pace enough to allow us to have time to articulate these feelings and elicit a compassionate response. If the hurt feelings stem from prior interactions with our partner, she or he now has an opportunity to acknowledge the hurt and, if appropriate, apologize. Time and again in counseling couples I have seen how these moments create closeness and connection, even in couples that had been drifting apart. Often when we’re looking for understanding and appreciation we end up instead battling to win the argument, and everyone loses out.< The next time you find yourself feeling tense in the middle of a discussion, force yourself to fully listen and reflect on what your partner is saying. Make sure you get his or her agreement that you have understood correctly before you respond. Then ask your partner to do the same for you. With practice, you will be able to overcome some of the recurrent hot spots in your communication and feel a stronger loving connection as a result.
Irwin Krieger, LCSW |